Have you ever wanted something so badly but when it came within your grasp, you turned away in fear?
Lately, I’ve been letting my fear trump my ambitions for nursing school. I even choose to give up on pursuing it because I was uncertain that I’d even get into a program! I’ve been scared of failure, rejection, and choosing a path that I won’t succeed at in life. I’ve been over-analyzing, questioning, mulling, pondering and making a decision only to change it a day later. I ask myself, can I handle the highs and lows? Will my Do I truly have the heart for this profession?
What I was not asking myself in the waves of doubt & fear was why would I NOT pursue this path? What about me would not be qualified? I know I would show up everyday and give a damn about my patients, no matter what, so why would I not even try? It was from the help of a nursing friend that made me realize I was letting my FEAR strangle me. I was letting fear and doubt control my mind, my thoughts and even my decisions. I then thought, wow, if fear & doubt can harness my mind to this extent, think of how many other people have let theirs do the same. Think of how many people haven’t pursued their dreams because of FEAR!
One thing I know for certain is that I’m not okay with complacency or wondering what my life would have been like if I had simply tried.
Last week, I had submitted application materials to a different course of study (therapy) because I knew I’d be comfortable with it and it doesn’t intimidate me like nursing does. I have no idea why I feel that way because I definitely don’t see therapy as a lesser profession! So I had decided I would apply since I had all prereqs complete and had already been accepted once before. I felt good about it and was using it as a safety net so I didnt to face rejection of not getting into a nursing program. And it was right after I submitted all my materials that I experienced a Divine Intervention. I got a phone call from William Jewell (my first choice for nursing) asking to set up an interview with me. I was suddenly not able to say no. I kept thinking, this is what I wanted so badly! Why am I giving up this option? Is that really what I want? I couldn’t say I wasn’t interested anymore; I had this notion within in me to say yes but still felt so unsure.
I was unexplainably emotional after the phone call. I felt like this is my fate calling. This is a sign! Therapy didn’t work out before and here I am again, trying to take fate in my own hands but God has a plan for me or I wouldn’t be considering nursing and setting up an interview! I strongly believe in fate and that everything happens the way it is supposed to. My heart is set on defending and advocating for my patients more than anything, and I have to accept that I am cut out for nursing no matter how intimidating it will be.
I don’t know we doubt ourselves the way we do and let fear take away from our potential. But I am done letting my fear make my decisions. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I’ve been abandoned by my mother, dealt with drug addiction in my immediate family, witnessed cancer steal the lives of my cousin in his young twenties, and my grandmother who was the only mother I ever had. I’ve been left at the babysitters for 4 days straight, being forced to wear the same clothes to school and being made fun of by my classmates while in the “care” of my mother who went MIA doing God knows what. I was changing my sister’s diapers at less than 5 years old and took responsibility for feeding her and I because my mother laid in bed sleeping all day. I attended 4 different elementary schools because of parental custody battles, and hated school growing up. I was failing multiple subjects and almost held back because I had missed more than an month’s worth of school. I was at a 3rd grade reading level in the 5th grade. I had no friends and didn’t ever get to play sports or extra curricular activities, until living with my grandmother. And you know what? I turned out to be a decent human being after all of that, so I know I can conquer anything life throws my way.
I truly believe my upbringing has inspired me to be the hope in peoples lives. Someone like my grandma and how she offered hope in mine. My grandma saved me; she was like my guardian angel here on earth, and she instilled many of life’s valuable lessons within me. She made sure I had my needs met and did whatever she could to ensure I thrived. And in life, we all need someone to fight for us and someone there for us so we know we are not alone. So I want to be a nurse to do just that. I am that person who cares deeply, protects fiercely, and nags because I care. And it’s why I know I have what it takes, even after all my doubts and fears trying to tell me I could fail and that it’s going to be difficult.
I know this is long and if you’ve even made it to this point I’m glad you’re still reading. I just hope to inspire someone who needs to be reminded of their potential and their worth. We all have faced hard battles and we have grown strong because of it. So whatever it is you’re scared of, just face that fear and use it as fuel. Let your faith and goals be bigger than your fears! It truly is the killer of all dreams, y’all. Don’t let it stop you from whatever it is you want to do with your life.
My nursing interview is Thursday with William Jewell College! I’m praying to the Good Lord to give me strength and courage to succeed in it. Where He leads, I will follow. I’m taking the plunge and ready for what lies ahead.